Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
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Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”