me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
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I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Finally!
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
asked my bf how work was today
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.