fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
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I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes