@AbbieEvansXO

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

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@abbycohenwl

Climate Change: It’ll take 30 more years but I’ll destroy this planet
COVID-19: Lol OK boomer

@aliarikan

One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.

@TweetPotato314

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

@Dad_At_Law

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

@DanRather

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

@garrettbarry70

Super excited about staying at my daughter’s place so I can eat her cereal and leave the empty box in her cupboard.

@copymama

9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.

@_ElvishPresley_

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

@fro_vo

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

@LeonardCowalski

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.