fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
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God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk