@ericonederful

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

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@twinkdyke

Frog Fact: frogs have existed since time immemorial and therefore predate original sin, meaning they have no need to celebrate Easter as Christ’s death means nothing to them.

@TheBoydP

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

@shutupmikeginn

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?

@YoungNobler

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

@MotleyTheMutt

Dear Science,

You cloned a sheep named Dolly when you could have cloned a llama. A llama named Dolly. A Dolly Llama.

That is all. Send.

@TheDeadfishSays

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

@PleaseBeGneiss

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

@HeyZeus666

I’ve been eating sunflower seeds and Tweeting for 9 hours. Now I know what my canary feels like.