If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

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Wife: I told you to slow down.

Cop: License & registration, please.

Wife (opens glovebox): Divorce papers?

Me: Look underneath them.


A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.


If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.


My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.


[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason


Mom wants me to have a baby girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.And I want a sane mother who isn’t oblivious to my Italian bloodline.


interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy


What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?


Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope