If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

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Frog Fact: frogs have existed since time immemorial and therefore predate original sin, meaning they have no need to celebrate Easter as Christ’s death means nothing to them.


I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?


Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”


Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?


This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.


Dear Science,

You cloned a sheep named Dolly when you could have cloned a llama. A llama named Dolly. A Dolly Llama.

That is all. Send.


Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me: For who them bells toll…


Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*


I’ve been eating sunflower seeds and Tweeting for 9 hours. Now I know what my canary feels like.