Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
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I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Happy thanksgiving
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.