Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
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me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I can’t deal with men any longer
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?