Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
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It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
The Purge: Valentine’s Day