Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

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Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.


I’m not being creepy but i can see thru my binoculars that your family portrait is hanging crooked on your wall


When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.


Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill


If Snow White can trick 7 men into supporting her, then I’m sure I can find at least one sucker to do that for me.


My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.


[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car


I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.


*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.


Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?