@FavoritesYou

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

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@poutinesmoothie

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

@vulcan_kelly

I’m not being creepy but i can see thru my binoculars that your family portrait is hanging crooked on your wall

@TheAlexNevil

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

@ShalyahEvans

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

@NikiWithIssues

If Snow White can trick 7 men into supporting her, then I’m sure I can find at least one sucker to do that for me.

@3sunzzz

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

@simoncholland

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

@DeanOkay

I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.

@jordan_stratton

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

@ThugRaccoons

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?