Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
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a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
True?
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
12. I think about this all the damn time
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
one last job