felt cute might bury dad later idk
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I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.