Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
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Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
i will avenge u mr van gogh
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.