Maybe Taylor Swfit dates Justin Bieber and John Mayer dates Selena Gomez and it’s like matter/anti-matter and they all explode?
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7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
“You calling them Nazis is what turned them into Nazis.”
I’ve been calling my cat a “gorgeous little muffin” for years so now I’m terrified.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I wish chlamydia was as hard to get as it is to spell.