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@michaelianblack

Maybe Taylor Swfit dates Justin Bieber and John Mayer dates Selena Gomez and it’s like matter/anti-matter and they all explode?

@AndyAsAdjective

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

@iwearaonesie

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

@kumailn

“You calling them Nazis is what turned them into Nazis.”
I’ve been calling my cat a “gorgeous little muffin” for years so now I’m terrified.

@TheToddWilliams

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

@mommajessiec

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

@kylekinane

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

@BoomBoomBetty

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

@Parkerlawyer

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”