HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Female dragonflies will fake their own death if faced w/ unwanted attention from a male dragonfly.
You can learn so much from nature
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What sound does a cow make?
Good, a duck?
Good, how about a seal?
“My power my PLEASURE MY PAIN, babaaaayyy
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
[my fitness dvd]
ME: *lifting cans of soup as weights* im using minestrone but you can use pretty much any kind
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Hello darkness my old friend, I fell and broke the lamp again
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Memes really need signatures. What genius did this?