@Cryptic1iam

Female dragonflies will fake their own death if faced w/ unwanted attention from a male dragonfly.

You can learn so much from nature

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@OllyiConic

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

@michaeljhudson

What sound does a cow make?
“Moooo”
Good, a duck?
“Quack”
Good, how about a seal?
“My power my PLEASURE MY PAIN, babaaaayyy

@WilliamAder

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

@HatfieldAnne

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

@Kryzazy

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

@trojansauce

[my fitness dvd]
ME: *lifting cans of soup as weights* im using minestrone but you can use pretty much any kind

@Tmoney68

Me: I can’t make it in today.

Boss: How sick are you?

M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.

B: Jesus, you ARE sick.

@goldengateblond

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.