Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
You Might Also Like
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Oceanography is all about current events
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”