Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
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I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?