prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me: i hoped he was cake
Female without the vowels is ‘FML’.
Need I say more?
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A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame & place it on the mantel at the party.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.