*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
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the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to