Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
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*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed