@SamuelHLowe

Fencing proves that with enough rules even a sword fight can be boring as hell.

Fencing proves that with enough rules even a sword fight can be boring as hell.

- @SamuelHLowe

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@Reverend_Scott

[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

?????? ??? ????

“OMG HOW”

???? ?? ? ???? ??????? ????

@AndyRichter

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

@Darlainky

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

@BoomBoomBetty

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

@BraandoCommando

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

@SortaBad

“Brian did you remove some of the thread from your shirt logo?”
Me: [clearly enjoying people calling me the Hug Boss] what? No probably not

@david8hughes

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

@ClichedOut

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

@MaryKoCo

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it