Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
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The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero