Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
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So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…