Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
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texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day