Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
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She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
So sick of all these stupid rules
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.