How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
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the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Can’t, holding a grudge
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?