@Scott_A_Gilmore

Few people know that inventor of the car alarm Enrico Irritanti never owned an automobile. He did, however, passionately hate his neighbors.

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@Storminika

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

@dumbbeezie

If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one

@jjmick45

I want to be the guy in a rap song that justs says YEA

@better_off_dad

Sarcasm is like chocolate…

…technically you can live without it – but why?

@RodLacroix

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

@CameronxDonovan

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

@c12h22o11balls

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

@murrman5

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

@markydoodoo

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

@KateWhineHall

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.