My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Few people know that inventor of the car alarm Enrico Irritanti never owned an automobile. He did, however, passionately hate his neighbors.
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If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I want to be the guy in a rap song that justs says YEA
Sarcasm is like chocolate…
…technically you can live without it – but why?
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.