@BonesHer

Few things are creepier than someone saying “I know” after you introduce yourself.

Few things are creepier than someone saying “I know” after you introduce yourself.

- @BonesHer

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@buck4itt

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

@DirtMcTurd

My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat

@KieranSoFar

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

@thejessbess

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

@imchriskelly

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

@ShawnIzadi

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

@UnFitz

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

@KateQFunny

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.