I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
english majors be like furthermore
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
It’s actually Dr. whatever
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.