@awkwardenabled

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

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@dad_chips

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

@Book_Krazy

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

@KenJennings

STAR WARS SPOILERS Admiral Ackbar has gained quite a bit of weight and everyone calls him “Admiral Snackbar”

@vexroid

I may not be book smart or street smart and I may not have much common sense and I’m really not sure where I was going with this.

@ItsAndyRyan

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

@kenzianidiot

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

@ACartoonCat

Magician: Pick a card, any car…

Me: Charizard

Magician: no, like a normal card

Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then

@LoveNLunchmeat

One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good

@RL_blahneh

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd