Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
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Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I love twitter
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
twitter is a journey
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Got him!