@Carbosly
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
@theyearofelan
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
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@Carbosly
@ThugRaccoons
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
@Junk_Boat
She told me she “literally died laughing,” and that’s when I realized she had to be a zombie and shot her in the face.
@LolitaDrugs
me @ my friends
@PopeAwesomeXIII
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
@bombsydoll
me: I know it’s over, but can I have one last hug? Please?
Him: *moves closer. stops & sniffs* omg are you covered in superglue?
@theregoesrichie
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
@TravLeBlanc
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
@trevso_electric
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
@hanizzle
Him: I’m going to call you at 12
Me at 12:01 : All men do is lie