ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
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ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
My plans: 2020:
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.