The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
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Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
hulk hogan: can i get a taco brother
scientist: that’s not possible
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.