Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside

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“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.


She told me she “literally died laughing,” and that’s when I realized she had to be a zombie and shot her in the face.


me: I know it’s over, but can I have one last hug? Please?
Him: *moves closer. stops & sniffs* omg are you covered in superglue?


I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!


Him: I’m going to call you at 12

Me at 12:01 : All men do is lie