Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside

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The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.


Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.



Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?


Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.


I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.


*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself


[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?


Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.


The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.