The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
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wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.