Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
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A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I know karate and tons of other words.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples