@shivillex

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

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@UncleDuke1969

I’ve got hoes in different area codes.

(I’m very careless with my gardening tools.)

@jessokfine

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

@BigFatNothing

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

@RandomlyMJ

Judging from the sounds in my trunk this guy would have had an excellent career as a drummer.

@TylerFoFyler

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan just woke up on my couch and won’t make eye contact.

@Tmoney68

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

@SeanBlazed

IF SIMBA COULD GROW TO THE SIZE OF A HEALTHY ADULT LION EATING BUGS THEN SO CAN I

@Kryzazy

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack