Ffs laughed out loud 馃槀
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Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
We鈥檝e been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito鈥檚 vodka and could we ship her some.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 馃槅
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
181.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I鈥檇 say it鈥檚
ovary active
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.