fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

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Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”


“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”


I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English


I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs


Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”


The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.


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I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.