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You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Mood.. 😂
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
My Plans 2020
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.