[walks up to coworker’s desk]
I know I don’t say this often enough, but thank you for not showing me pictures of your kids.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
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Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
Me: Yep, he’s dead
WTF NEW YORK?!?!?! I carried a paper grocery bag with a baguette in it for BLOCKS and NOBODY FELL IN LOVE WITH ME.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Next time I open up to someone is my autopsy.
I can always tell when someone is lying by tying them down and strapping them to a lie detector.