@KeetPotato
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
@Parkerlawyer
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
@camerobradford
The two types of wives
@Tommytoughstuff
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
@envydatropic
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
@PrisonCookies
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
@WoodyLuvsCoffee
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
@notalogin
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
@AmishPornStar1
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
@just1fool
I used to want to live in the sewers with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was a kid so I’d say I’m a success compared to that.
@Reverend_Scott
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.