That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
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[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.