I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
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I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”