fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
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I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.