fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
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Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Employees must applaud the planets.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
even bears disappoint their mothers
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.