me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
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* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
If you don’t sit down to a nice big plate of breakfast for dinner once in a while, you’re missing out on one of the best things in life.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Man: Welcome to Mystery Club
Guy: What’s it for?
M: No one’s sure of that
[suddenly Guy’s head gets clubbed]
M: Or when that’ll happen
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Apparently the owners of Aldi and Lidl were really brothers. Presumably Aldi was the alder one and Lidl the Lidl one.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not