FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
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An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Pizza is an emotion right?
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My work here is done
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Received some very disappointing news today
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths