FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota

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me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak


If you don’t sit down to a nice big plate of breakfast for dinner once in a while, you’re missing out on one of the best things in life.


I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.


Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex


Man: Welcome to Mystery Club
Guy: What’s it for?
M: No one’s sure of that
[suddenly Guy’s head gets clubbed]
M: Or when that’ll happen


Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.


Apparently the owners of Aldi and Lidl were really brothers. Presumably Aldi was the alder one and Lidl the Lidl one.


Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.


grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not