@Brampersandon_

FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota

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@English_Channel

genie: long time no see, ok, you have one wish left

Geppetto: I want a real boy

genie:??? what happened to the other 2 you wished for?

@1evilidiot

I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.

@TheHyyyype

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

@SamSkoronski

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

@leechee420

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

@imdaintyaf

What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.

@Gooooats

I keep trying to turn my hat around backwards so I can get down to business, but it’s a sombrero and I’m making zero progress.

@HomeWithPeanut

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

@DrakeGatsby

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection