fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
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I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Happy Thanksgiving
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
goldfish mafia
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have