Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
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Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
are they though??
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
uncle dave has been through hell
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.