Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
You Might Also Like
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE