[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
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Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here