[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
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if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!