FOUR STAGES OF LOSING MY KEYS
1. Can’t find keys
2. Accuse everyone around me of taking my keys
3. Find keys
4. Apologize for key witchhunt
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
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*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*
*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
[holding a device in my hand that contains the accumulated knowledge of mankind]
I really can’t believe the price some women pay for sunglasses.
I’m starting to think it’d be cheaper to get the kitchen window tinted.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
My boyfriend said to surprise him for his birthday so I moved all my stuff into his house while he was at work.
How did my operation go Doc?
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I texted my wife with “ROTFHAHA” & she replied with “LMAO” so I don’t think she understands that I’m having a heart attack.