[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
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Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
next level snooze
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
The French cow says MEUX…
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
channeling her this year
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
it was love at first sight
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers