@ImSoFrancis

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

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@briangaar

FOUR STAGES OF LOSING MY KEYS
1. Can’t find keys
2. Accuse everyone around me of taking my keys
3. Find keys
4. Apologize for key witchhunt

@junejuly12

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

@blade_funner

[holding a device in my hand that contains the accumulated knowledge of mankind]

*search* Panda…playing…ukulele

@iGreenMonk

I really can’t believe the price some women pay for sunglasses.

I’m starting to think it’d be cheaper to get the kitchen window tinted.

@notalogin

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

@BambamVictoria

My boyfriend said to surprise him for his birthday so I moved all my stuff into his house while he was at work.

@Izianikapani

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

@pleatedjeans

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

@JohnLyonTweets

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

@Brianhopecomedy

I texted my wife with “ROTFHAHA” & she replied with “LMAO” so I don’t think she understands that I’m having a heart attack.