Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

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accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy


Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.


My Wife wears some very revealing shirts.

Today’s shirt says ‘Nick’s ATM code is 1234’ on it.


That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.


I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.


One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.