@RowdyBowden

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

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@ch000ch

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

@KyleBae87

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

@beefman138

My Wife wears some very revealing shirts.

Today’s shirt says ‘Nick’s ATM code is 1234’ on it.

@MomOfTeen

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

@Parkerlawyer

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

@TheAndrewNadeau

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.