Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
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[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.