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@ValeeGrrl

7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*

7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD

Me: Right. Of course.

@delusions_of

Another day, another police escort from an all you can eat buffet.

@MarcusOreally

Boredom is the leading cause of pregnancy.

Unless you’re on Twitter 24/7. Then it becomes the leading form of birth control.

@itsPKav

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

@bonehugsnirony

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

@ArfMeasures

ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”

SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*

ME [shaking] omg that’s him!