My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
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My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I’m driving
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me: i also got demoted