Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
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Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts