@JimmySelfDest

Fight club. Only naps instead. Rules the same. Just no fights. Only secret, uninterrupted glorious naps.

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@_ElvishPresley_

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

@_thatigirl

Asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, “A way out” wasn’t the right answer.

@mattbooshell

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

@LittleLostLad

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

@maxlavergne

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

@TheTweetOfGod

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.

@malcolmsramsay

Me: I BELIEVE SCIENCE

Science: please just don’t use your phone right before bed and right after waking up, it’s literally destroying your circadian rhythm

Me: no