Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Fight club. Only naps instead. Rules the same. Just no fights. Only secret, uninterrupted glorious naps.
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ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, “A way out” wasn’t the right answer.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Me: I BELIEVE SCIENCE
Science: please just don’t use your phone right before bed and right after waking up, it’s literally destroying your circadian rhythm
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”