Fight Club: Teaches you how imaginary friends can become more popular than you are.

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I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?


On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.


I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left


My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.


Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.


So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet


Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*


If I ask you how your weekend was, don’t reply with “not long enough.” Don’t be that guy. I will reply with “that’s what she said.”


ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie