@DopeyTweeter

Fight Club: Teaches you how imaginary friends can become more popular than you are.

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@wendchymes

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

@Tbone7219

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

@WilliamRodgers

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

@GlennyRodge

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

@kevinseccia

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

@Mom_Overboard

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

@AimeeHelene1

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

@SingleVixxen

If I ask you how your weekend was, don’t reply with “not long enough.” Don’t be that guy. I will reply with “that’s what she said.”

@KalvinMacleod

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie