Fight Club: Teaches you how imaginary friends can become more popular than you are.

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They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.


*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead


A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.


I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.


Me: Can I come in?
St Peter: *shakes head no*
Me: Was it close?
St Peter: *rolls out my lifetime internet history* Not really


PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.


Being self employed during a quarantine is so annoying….all my boss wants to do is nap, drink wine and watch The Real Housewives of whatever