me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
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The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.