@Skoog

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

You Might Also Like

@SondraDeeMe

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

@a_simpl_man

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

@Kalamwali_Bai

Who decided to call it “Emotional Baggage” and not “Griefcase”?

@Skullcat

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

@PrettyRicc

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

@SondraDeeMe

Black bears smell up to 18 miles when hunting food.

I smell my neighbor’s barbecuing ribs and invite myself over.

It’s survival.

@_steamy_mac

Oh, you wanna steal my identity? *hands you wallet and all important documents I can find* Have at ‘er, best of luck, my friend.

*runs away

@thatUPSdude

Me: I need to go

Tequila: No stay, have a couple more

Me: I need to go to bed

Tequila: Shhhh just sleep on the floor, I got you

@iamspacegirl

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*