[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

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Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.


I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.


[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!


Yes, Pitbull, we are having a good time. Please stop asking every two minutes.


stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him


*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*


My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.


[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”


Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.