Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
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I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Yes, Pitbull, we are having a good time. Please stop asking every two minutes.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.