@jon_bois

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house

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@QuiteQuietOne

Thanks to yesterday’s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.

@Ivsy01

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

@Mom_Overboard

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

@Reverend_Scott

Sometimes I ask myself, what would Aquaman do? So I sit in the bathtub and cry about how useless I am.

@Jenny4ashley

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

@birbigs

Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn’t have a job.

@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

@pabstdriver

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.