fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house

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Thanks to yesterday’s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.


If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.


No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.


Sometimes I ask myself, what would Aquaman do? So I sit in the bathtub and cry about how useless I am.


I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?


Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn’t have a job.


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.


I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.