Thanks to yesterday’s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
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If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Sometimes I ask myself, what would Aquaman do? So I sit in the bathtub and cry about how useless I am.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn’t have a job.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.