@jon_bois

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house

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@JenniferJokes

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

@T_Bonezzz

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

@FrenulumBreve

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

@KKBowls

I just saw a spider on the wall, I went to hit it — it just fell and ran away. I was all, ‘Oh my God, he knows what I look like.’

@SocialExtortion

I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Seriously, I’m taking a selfie and you’re in the background

@lincnotfound

netflix: *bursts through door while i’m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!

@WGladstone

When God closes a door, he opens a window. So God’s pretty clearly getting high in his dorm room.

@ag_loco

Things I haven’t seen in a while:
1) the 2yo I’m babysitting today
2) a man
3) my waist-line
4) my imaginary goat, Bill
5) my sanity

@E_lok44

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

@VerbsRProudest

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.