*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
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*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
“A little help here, Danny?”
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
i would wish you the best but i am the best
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.