@keeganjohn53

Fights fire with marshmallows

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@claire_mudie

Some people are doing stuff with their lives!!

Let’s mock them.

@KaylaAncrum

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

@Storminika

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

@Sanbel11

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

@PapaPreaches

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

@TheMichaelRock

Foreigner: I wanna know what love is..

Me: It’s a feeling you get when..

Foreigner: I want you to show me..

Me: Ok, like wow. We just met

@CMHorrocks

“There is no ‘I’ in team!” Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam.

@RobDenBleyker

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.