Fights fire with marshmallows

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Some people are doing stuff with their lives!!

Let’s mock them.


I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.


Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically


I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way


Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.


Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.


Foreigner: I wanna know what love is..

Me: It’s a feeling you get when..

Foreigner: I want you to show me..

Me: Ok, like wow. We just met


“There is no ‘I’ in team!” Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam.


I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.